Why Are There Highway Cones?
by Alley Kat
Summary: Why highway cones are so great...And the story behind it


Legends of Great Heroes: BOB  
  
A highway cone. It has such magical properties. Anytime a construction worker holds it to his chest, he feels and sees the power of it's magical top raining down…A masterpiece to the Heavens, and even BOB him self. Everyday, one man or woman finally finds true happiness when he/she steals their first highway cone. A sense of spirituality and a dash of self decency then waves through them slowly…Soon, after that person placed it upon their head, they begin to see the dancing purple hippos. Yes. Like, the hungry, hungry hippos, which had one hippo that was orange…Orange.  
  
Orange is the true symbolism of all that is the cone. It gives the "caution" oompa-loompa vibe whenever a person of crazy/psychotic nature see it. A "normal" person on the other hand looks at the cone and dismisses every single detail of it; Possibly, and this is my theory, to spite the cone…To fuel their own insecurity and make the poor cone feel so downright lonely. Most of these people wear spandex, and are prone to point and laugh at small children who eat mushrooms off the ground.  
  
Of course, some people will mock you if you mention a cone. The cone, to that person, seems to have slowly taken over the other's mind and is slowly dominating the body and eventually the scary next door neighbor who runs naked at night. (And let me tell you this, it's rather scary to see some naked old guy run with a cone on his private parts. Could it be his psyche is trying to give him the self-confidence he needs to go out and find a woman who doesn't shrivel up because she's just a large piece of cheap plastic?)  
  
On the topic of self-confidence, one who proudly walks into their house and places a cone in a corner of a certain room has gained much support. How can a cone show support, you ask? Simple. After one aquires a cone, they receive a certain "guardian angel", or for the lamens, invisible friends. Some of the more popular "friends" are named Bob.  
  
1 BOB: Yesterday, and Today  
  
In cone mythology, it was a great hero named BOB who was the first to actually build a highway in the great and flourishing land called Bufu, eventually was killed by angry old goats who didn't like the color orange. (This is why the color orange has been held sacred for dozens of years to the natives of the sacred cone tribe in Australia; The ones who escaped the fiery death from the far-off, and now sunk, land of Bufu.) When Bob's body was found, all the Bufunians cried for forty minutes, and forty seconds. They then took the remains of his charred, hairless corpse and burned it.  
  
Because of his great and almighty power over things that were "triangular- like" shaped, they put his ashes in a figure of a cone in the center of Bufu. Every year, it has been said more than fifty thousand construction workers made a pilgrimage to the great town square every year for sixty- four and a half years. Eventually, as the town of Bufu got greater in numbers and more construction workers kept arriving, it sank. (The island itself being only a mere three miles long, and on a fault…) Some villagers who were aware of this great disaster made a boat of "orange fiber" and made their way to Australia. They settled with the Aborigines and procreated freely, all in the act of "Love, Friendship, and BOB."  
  
So how is this why every time someone receives a cone, they get an invisible friend named BOB? Yes, with the exception of the few who name their "cone spirit" Joe, Beavis, Jesus, Fez, and Homer. These people indeed have an authentic cone spirit, but because of the increase in orange plastic and the now cheapness it brings, the Great Spirit of BOB has refused to go into such an abomination.  
  
Some say that because the great legend of BOB is labeled "mythology", it is certainly not real...Absurd, even.  
  
The power of BOB is real, and is all around us. Small and still barely thriving BOB cults are still among North and South America, Europe, and of course, Australia. These cults celebrate the power that is BOB; Justice, Safety, and the great plastic/oily smell a cone gives off after just freshly made.  
  
One of the BOB cults in Australia, The BOB OWNZ U!111 group, recite this special poem before each meeting.  
  
"BOB, thou has a fine name.  
  
It begins with B, and ends in B.  
  
Let us rejoice in the relish of you,  
  
1.1 Our sisters and brothers alike  
  
BOB, thou smell like ass,  
  
But surely not act as one.  
  
Let us rejoice in the celebration of you,  
  
And many generations of BOBONIANS to come."  
  
This is said while burning a tennis racket and completely naked, except for a visor from Disney World.  
  
Ignorance, Insincerity, and the mocking of BOB  
  
At times, many people find these "strange and unusual cults" and do not approve of such a thing, as mentioned above. Sometimes, they even plant explosive tennis rackets in the shelter, which the sacred rituals are held. No one has ever been seriously injured by such a heinous manner, since many people who find these wonderful cults are so afraid they move to Russia and live in various types of plastic in fear the Great Spirit of BOB will doom them for eternity.  
  
More and more people come out and proclaim they follow the great BOB. Some, as it has been reported, in North Dakota have been sent to the local mental facilities in an attempt to convert them to Jesusism. I visited these poor souls, and none of them have lost their faith in HIM. Everyday after being told Jesus had a 'fro and liked to skip through the flowers in long purple spandex pants, they secretly return to their rooms and eat plastic forks.  
  
"I know somewhere off in the distant and desolate land of BOB, HE is always watching over me, and sometimes mumbles "eat the red ones…Red is a form of orange!"  
  
This young man has been a BOBIAN since birth. His mother "taught him how to laugh, cry, and speak the holy words of BOB." (BOB: THE WAYZ OF DOZENZ OF YEARZ AGO, 'FOO, p.147) He has been in the mental hospital for over twenty years, and still hasn't succumbed to anyone but BOB.  
  
In another case, a young lady in Idaho, who shall be known as Rice 'n Cakes, was admitted at the tender age of 16, when her father found white cones labeled "EAT THE RED ONEZ" in the back of her closet.  
  
Rick 'n Cakes also submit to her BOBLY pleasures nightly, but the staff at the hospital say she will "soon submit to our Lord and savior, Jesus!"  
  
BOB: What Does the Future Hold?  
  
As more and more of BOBIANS stand up for themselves, the more our taxes rise.  
  
Most people of our generation still view BOB as "nothing more than a mere concept of insanity-escaping reality." (What About BOB? p. 111) This brings about the subtle, but alarming question: Will BOB ever make it past the 21st century? Will this great power eventually blow into ashes, in the same ironic way BOB'S ashes were sealed into his cone catacomb, dozens and dozens of years ago?  
  
And what do YOU have to say about BOB? The petition "BOBZ 4 SEPERATION OF BOB AND CONE" is undergoing its final phase in making the public awareness of just how great BOB is. Soon, they may appear on your television, or give a BOB sermon on the radio.  
  
Whatever the outcome may be, BOB will live in the hearts of everyone, for as long as cones remain on this great, great Earth. 


End file.
